Tuesday, March 13, 2012

There is a cemetery.... & 18 weeks!

There is a cemetery at the beginning of the road that leads to our apartment complex.  It is the type of cemetery that does not have headstones, but rather has plaques that lay flat on the ground with vases and flowers above each one.  For an unknown reason, the flowers are not secured in any way.  Each morning as I'm leaving the apartment I can see those flowers in peoples front lawns, in the State Farm agency's parking lot, and in the little gully that runs alongside the road in between the road and the cemetery.  I always want to stop and put them back where they belong.  It really, really bothers me.  These are not flowers that the family has put there, they are provided by the cemetery owners but I'm sure they are special to the families.  The flowers do get picked up and put in empty vases but the next day there are more blown out of the cemetery and into the road.  Isn't this a little like life as a whole?

One day I was driving along the road and thinking about sweet little Payton {my niece} and simultaneously thinking about all of the blogs I follow where their babies died around 4 months old from SIDS.  Morbid right? Cemetery, SIDS... anyway, thinking about Payton already being 4.5 months old and thinking about just how much I love her and how much of an impact she has had on my life in this short time reminded me of my initial reaction to reading the blogs where the families lost their little babies too soon.  My thought was {and this is wrong on so many levels, which I see now} "at least they only had him/her for _____ months, imagine if it was ____ years."  Knowing Payton for four months is so long, four months of holding her, feeding her, changing her, buying for her, bathing her, smelling her sweet head.  Four months is the infinite amount of love I felt for her the first time I met her, by 120 days. In four months you may not have the same number of memories that come with having your child for years, but you have enough to never be able live another day happily without your baby.  I never want to understand what it is like to lose a baby, a child, but especially now that I have felt what it is like to love this strongly.  There is a physical need to hold and play with Payton and she is not even my own child, she is my niece! I can't even begin to imagine how it is going to be when my little guy gets here.  The word that comes to mind is overwhelming.  I think I am going to a goner the first moment I lay my eyes on him.  Oh man, I can't wait. 

Can I start a countdown now? 

18 weeks until I get my little guy, 18 weeks! Yay! 

No comments:

Post a Comment