Thursday, July 26, 2012

On Anxiety

I wrote about it before but now that my role in life has shifted a bit, I can talk about it from a whole new angle.

I'm sitting her watching my sweet baby swing.  He's not quite asleep but he's not all the way awake either.  I'm sitting on the couch and he's to the left of the window, we're a good ten feet apart.  This is probably nothing of significance to you, but for me? we've crossed (jumped?) a hurdle.  See, anxiety runs in my family... and not just a little bit.  I'm talking generations of anxious people running around with absurd fears on their brains that never go away.  Sounds pretty terrible, right? If you're familiar with anxiety than you know just how terrible it is.  Being anxious is debilitating.  

Before having Cooper my anxiety was about loved ones getting in car accidents, about something bad happening if I forgot to do something that I always did, about not being able to get somewhere quick enough if I needed to.  I know that everyone has these fears to a certain degree, but when you have anxiety sometimes these are the only things you can think about.  My anxiety actually intensified thinking about how intensified my anxiety was going to be once Cooper got here.  Do you see what I'm saying? Craziness. I spoke to my doctor about it and we agreed that I have enough control of myself, my thoughts, etc. to not need medication right now but that if things did get worse once Cooper arrived than we could re-evaluate.  

So where I am now... Cooper is here and my anxiety is (almost) no where to be found.  How did this happen? Part of it is a mystery and the other part is that I prayed to God to allow me to keep my sanity.  The fact that Cooper is swinging in his swing (now asleep) is just one tiny example of my diminished anxiety.  AKA I am not in the swing with him making sure he is still breathing.  Another example would be that I average five, yes, FIVE hours of sleep each night.  This means that I am sleeping WHILE the baby is sleeping -- it's happening simultaneously.  I really feared that could never happen before Cooper came.  I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to sleep or breath or live because I'd be so worried about him.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I worry.  I worry about him pooping and me not knowing and him sitting in it for too long.  I worry about the obvious things, like SIDS.  I worry about whether or not his eyes are too watery and if he's eating too much.  The thing is, it stops at worrying and doesn't transform into obsessing. 

I never thought I'd get to experience this freedom of sorts, especially after having Cooper, but here I am.  Will it last? I have no idea, but I'm really hoping it will. 


  1. So glad to hear that things are going so well! Prayer is so amazing :)

  2. Hi Olivia! Thank you so much for your sweet comments on my blog. Congrats on your new addition to your family! You look like your an amazing mother. Prayer really is so amazing, thanks for sharing about your anxiety. I tend to get anxiety myself these days. =) Good to hear it goes away! =)

  3. this is literally the first post on your blog that I have read, and I just need to tell you that I get it. I totally and absolutely get it. The anxiety. I use to become so anxious over things (stupid things, like how I worried about being hit by a car if I walked on a certain cross walk because someone had been hit and killed there) that I would literally have grand-mal tonic clonic seizures. Legit I totally get the anxiety. But you know the best part of it is.. we serve an amazing God. I god who has purpose for our lives, and for our emotions. God is so much bigger than me, but yet he knows my every fear and heartache. Our God literally created the heavens and the earth but can take time to heal me of anxiety, to cast away my fears, and my physical sickness. Amazing. God is so so good. I am so excited for you to read that God has provided for you in relieving your anxieties. Bless you and your new little baby! I will be praying for you! Because it works.!

  4. Hi Olivia! :) Thanks for being so honest and sharing your story with us. I'm glad that things have gotten better for you.

    Thanks SO much for stopping by my blog today!

    xo -Shar