Monday, December 24, 2012


{Written on Friday night}

Last night we had a Christmas party at our little home.  It was a big success filled with lots of presents and laughs.  The best kind of party, really.  Cooper was up way past his bed time but was happy as could be so we didn't mind a bit.  Around 9:15 I cradled him and stuck a paci in his mouth and amongst all of the loud noise he fell right to sleep, so unusually easy, he was that tired.  I held him tight and for awhile because those moments don't happen often anymore.  Cooper is strictly sleeping in his crib and the carseat if he falls asleep while in the car.  (I would love if he still took naps in my arms occasionally but he's just more comfortable in his bed now) 

After crawling into bed my mind began reeling about the upcoming month.  January 8th is my first day back at school.  I will be having class on Tuesdays and Thursday and will be away from Cooper for a total of six hours on each of those days.  To say that I am terrified of leaving him is an understatement; to say that my heart is already breaking is also an understatement.  I do not want to leave him.  He is five months and nearly three weeks old and I left him last week for the first time (with my mom) for one hour and it was horrible.  I hardly enjoyed my dinner with Frank because I missed my baby.  

The tears started flowing as I watched Cooper on the video monitor and cried myself to sleep.  

Right now I feel like I need encouragement from my friends and family rather than being told over and over again that I just have to suck it up and do it.  Ultimately, that is what I have to do but I wish that they understood how hard this is going to be for me.  Cooper is very dependent on me right now and to think that he will be looking around for me instantly makes me sob.

I can't explain it to people who haven't been here.  There is just no way that anyone who has not been a parent and a mom at that can truly understand what it is like.  I know that I have been incredibly blessed to be able to stay home with him without having to leave him for these nearly six months, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.  I never just feel like "I need a break from Cooper!" so I think that's where I am different from most parents.  Not to mention that exclusively breastfeeding him also throws a big monkey wrench in there.

1 comment:

  1. I can totally see where you're coming from. I'm 3 months along with our first baby and am already dreading leaving him or her with anyone! I'm hoping to get a job at a childcare, so I can take the baby with me when my husband isn't home. Even the thought of leaving him or her with grandparents stresses me out. I'm sure I sound crazy, since the baby isn't even here yet! But you will do great! Like you said, you've had the blessing to be able to stay home with him for almost six months, which is amazing. You will still be with him a majority of the time. I'm sure you will make it through your six hours by thinking of the sweet baby waiting for you at home. Good luck with everything! :)