Sunday, January 20, 2013

RAW HURT


I know I'm not the only one going through this.  Someone, somewhere is where I am.  We are drowning and people are asking if we're okay and we're saying yes.  We're saying that we're just taking it one day at a time, that we know we will be better off in the long run, and that everything happens for a reason.  It sounds good, right?

I am not okay.  I am not okay.  I AM NOT OKAY.  

There, that actually feels good.  I want to admit to defeat.  I don't want to be the bigger person anymore.  I want to scream and yell.  I want to cry in bed all day.  I want to call everyone I know and say, "ITS NOT MY FAULT."  They all know, but I want to tell them anyway.  I want to stop being manipulated by him.  I want to stop feeling sick to my stomach.  I want it all to stop.

I hurt the most today.  I wonder why? The past two days have actually been way worse, in those days I've had ugly communication with him (been told things like "shut your f-ing mouth") and had to see him face to face.  I think it's because I know that he is toxic and we can't make it work.  I think it's because he wasn't the least bit interested in seeing his son today.  I think it's because I feel so broken down and tired.  I think it's because I just want to lay in bed and cry and I can't.

//

This needs to be said.  If you are in a bad relationship you need to get out of it.  I've waited so long to do this, and why?  It's going to be hard regardless of if you do it now or in six months.  The only difference is that the next six months are going to be hell for you and then when you do end it, you're going to have many more months of hell.   I am living proof. 

\\

I can't lay in bed and cry because I have a baby to take care of.  I can't go for a run to clear my mind because I have a baby to take care of.  I can't go get a drink because I have a baby to take care of.  I can't do whatever the hell I want (like he is) because I have a baby to take care of.  I want to be here taking care of my baby though, that is the difference.  I am here because I want to be.  I am taking care of my baby because he needs me and I will not EVER walk out on him.  

I AM NOT OKAY. 

I think it is embarrassing to put your life story out there to people you know and don't know, but I also think that so many people are putting on a facade and I've been there and done that and it is painful.  Hiding our pain is exhausting and I don't want to do it anymore.  Talking it out feels good, it feels right.  I could even possibly be helping someone, so there's that too.

//

I don't know if you've ever wondered what it's like to be a single mom, I hadn't really ever.  My mom was a single mom with two babies, that must have been hard.  She's talked about it and she's proof that you survive through it, so I'm glad I have her. I want to tell you though.  Being a single (non-working/student) mom is the hardest thing I've ever done.  It is exhausting and frustrating and sometimes even debilitating.  It is lonely and that is the worst part for me.  I hate the quiet.  I hate not having someone to talk to at the end of the day.  I hate that it's just me and if I need someone to fall back on there is no one there. 

\\

In the moments that I feel good, like we're going to be okay, I quickly get haunted by the reminder that the worst has yet to come.  Eventually there will be lawyers and court and Cooper will become this object that needs to be split.  One thing between two things.  It is sickening.  I am crying and aching as I type these innermost fears.  My baby cannot be left unsupervised with him or his family, I know in my heart that isn't an option, I am going to have the fight of a lifetime.  I am not being selfish, I am being selfless.  I want Cooper to be loved by all that will love him but I have to protect him first and foremost. 

I AM NOT OKAY.

8 comments:

  1. i'm so sorry you are going through this. but at least you have the strength to deal with it now and not 10 years down the road when your child has suffered. my friend is in a similar situation and won't leave. it's heartbreaking.

    the good think about blogging is that you can write what you want, and you can let everyone know you're not okay.

    But you have your son. And I truly believe that makes you want to try and do better. It's not just for you anymore.

    good luck girl.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have my deepest empathy....don't give up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending so many prayers your way, dear friend. I will be praying for healing for both you, and Frank. And that if it's in YOUR and Cooper's best interest for Frank to be part of the family, that he will be drawn back to you guys by Christ.

    But I want you to know that I think you are making the right decision. I have never been strong enough to end a relationship. I always immediately go running back because I'll be afraid of being alone. I wait until the relationships hits its most toxic point, and the other person finally has to say enough is enough for both of us. I'm not sure why I do that, it hurts so much to be walked away from. But for whatever reason, that seems to be how I do things.

    So I know from experience that putting your foot down and walking away because you know a relationship is not healthy can be SO hard. You have to constantly remind yourself that you're doing the right thing. And I just want to reiterate, in case you find yourself doing that too, that you ARE.

    You are so strong. And you inspire me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I read this on my lunch break and didn't know what to comment.. I still don't. Other than I know what it's like to feel like you've hit rock bottom, like you've been defeated by life and just want to give up a little but can't.. and as bad as it all feels at the time, you always know you are a stronger person when you look back and realised you lived through it and survived. You have your beautiful boy and you're a good person, you will get through this!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stay strong, Libby. It will all be okay. Keep doing what you're doing. The road less traveled is always the hardest to go down but you aren't alone!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I read one of your facebook statuses and just knew what was going on. I've been in your spot.. I know how much it sucks and I'm sorry for you and for Cooper but there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you ever want to talk message me and I can give you my number, you can text or anything anytime. I was a single mom for the first 18 months of Lyla's life..

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry you are going through this :( you are very strong, and most defiantely the bigger person. Hang in there as long as you can, and when you feel you have had enough just be done.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Praying for you girl!!! You seem to be a very strong person, and I'm sure you and Cooper will come out on top! I'm here if you need anything!

    ReplyDelete