Wednesday, February 20, 2013


It's funny how we have no say in the matter.
We survive because we have to.
Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but as a parent I find it to be especially true.
Letting time stand still, not moving forward,
it just isn't reality.

There are still fleeting moments where I wonder how much longer I can survive.
I mean this financially,
but also literally.
Sometimes Cooper is overwhelming.
Sometimes I can't get him bathed and in his pajamas quick enough to suit him and he cries and I do too.
This life is not easy so I allow myself to cry. 

I'm experiencing grief and hardship,
   but I'm simultaneously experiencing an abundance of joy.
It's a little confusing.
I'm mostly sad for Cooper and mostly happy that I finally have a  happy home.

Walking in the front door with Cooper and knowing what to expect brings joy.
I don't have to try to predict moods anymore. 
I don't have to have another fight about drinking alcohol.
I don't have to ask/plead/beg for help with Cooper anymore.
I do it all myself and it's actually very satisfying.

I'm surviving in ways I didn't know I could.
I can do homework, run an Etsy Shop, cook dinner for guests, keep a clean house,
and most importantly, give my baby all of the attention he could ever want and more.
I didn't know just how amazing I could be in a time of great need.
And this is not to sound arrogant,
this is to show you that we are amazing, us people.
Our abilities are endless and certainly exceed any expectations that we may have.

Frank has caused me some serious financial trouble and I questioned my faith momentarily today.
I hate how I do that, let my faith be wavering.
I just wish I didn't have to continue to deal with him and his lies,
his unreliability and pure nonsense.
I just wish I didn't have this terrible imagine in my head of what our future is going to look like
in regards to Frank and Cooper.
I picture Cooper waiting on the front porch for his Daddy to show up..
and him never coming.
I picture wiping my baby's tears away and taking him for icecream to try to heal the hurt.

I'm just not sure.
How is it all going to pan out?

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1 comment:

  1. :( I will absolutely be praying that that is NOT the future you guys end up with. I will pray that Cooper always feel so incredible loved by the people in his life. He is lucky to have a strong survivor as a Momma!