Thursday, March 28, 2013

IDENTITY



I wasn't sure who I would become once I had Cooper.  I knew I would be a Mama, a great Mama, but I wasn't sure where I would fit into the rest of my life like I used to.  In a way it is a transition, you are just you, and then you are pregnant, you with another person inside of you, and then you are just you again, except not really.  You aren't just you again because having a baby takes your heart from inside of your chest and puts it in your arms, in the person holding your baby's arms, into the world for anyone to see and hurt if they wanted to.  You lose a part of yourself and you become the most vulnerable you've ever been.

I have been a zombie for the longest time.  I've been operating on a high that comes from loving my baby so fiercely.  I'm slowly finding myself again, my new identity, it's peeking through.  Somedays I think I know who I've become, most days I'm still trying to figure it out though.

The nights where I'm up fifteen times, the days where Cooper does nothing but cry, where he wants to be held but also be down, when we miss bath time because it's been a crazy night, when his naps are forty-five minutes shorter than normal, when.. when.. when.. it's easy to lose yourself, to surrender to the exhaustion, to deem yourself "mama" and nothing else.

It's good to be more than mama though.  It's important to be more than mama.  I'm mama first and foremost, it is my most important role, it is the best part of my life but it feels good to have success in other things.  It's good for the heart, the soul, and the mind to escape to other little corners of life.  I dive into books, to sewing, to running my Etsy shop, to painting, to cleaning, and to blogging.  They are my other things, the things that make me more than "mama", the things that make me a better mama.

I think it will be years before I settle into "me."  I am jumping hurdles, raising a baby, exploring new hobbies, keeping friendships, and always growing.  I am happy not knowing, I am happily trying to find myself in this still-new life.  I couldn't have imagined the changes that would take place within me, the way my heart would shift, the way my feelings would drown me, the way my senses would heighten, the way my priorities would change into priority (singular!) -- keep Cooper happy, healthy, loved, fed, and warm.

Each day is different.  Each day brings something new.  Each day new things dawn on me.  Each day I get closer to who I'm becoming and even more satisfied with who I am.  I am happy with who I am, I am excited to see who I am becoming.

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