Tuesday, May 21, 2013


I think about Cooper's little self, and myself as his parent, and what my job and responsibility is to him far often that I probably should.  Tonight as we were pulling into the mail area I heard a lot of splashing and laughing at the pool, I glanced over as I was walking in to get my mail and noticed a family all playing together in the pool.  I grabbed my mail, got back in the car, pulled into my apartment, got Cooper out and then it hit me that what I want for Cooper most is love.  I want him to have the most love.  I want him to know the most love.  I want him to feel the most love.  I want him to give the most love.

I've been repeatedly tempted this past week to write an annoying post about how miserable I am being single.  It's not what you think though.  I know I can survive on my own.  I know who I am as a person.  I know love and companionship and I miss it terribly.  I've been in this crazy limbo with myself, wanting to desperately work it out with Frank because I loved him with such force and he is Coopers father, to coming to my senses that he has been nothing but a terrible "father" to Cooper since leaving us.  He is not the person for us, in my mind I know this.  The heart always wants what the mind knows isn't right though. 

Part of providing the most love for Cooper is providing him with a superior "daddy."  Just as much as I can't wait to find my "better half,"  I can't wait to Cooper to have a positive father-figure in his life.  Will it be scary and new? Absolutely.  If you know me, you know I'm not going to settle though.  I will wait (impatiently) until Gods timing is right (I pray every day that it is soon).  To be loved by not only me, my friends, and my family, but a "daddy" too, will give Cooper the fulfillment of family, which is a feeling so close to my heart.  Growing up with a mom, dad, and sisters was the most amazing way to grow up, I always felt an abundance of love and I need for Cooper to feel that too.

For now, I am enough for Cooper.  He doesn't know that this was not the intended way for him to be raised.  I can meet his every need but that time is running short.  My heart breaks knowing that this is limited.  His cousin and little friends all have daddies, what Cooper has is a Frank.  A Frank who sees him on average three to four times a month for no more than one hour each visit.  Not too far off from now he will ask about his daddy, or why his daddy doesn't live with us, or why Paytons daddy always goes out to eat with us but his doesn't.  He will not know for many, many years that I desperately wanted his daddy to be with us when we go out to eat and to live with us and that I tried to make it work, he will not understand the depths I went through to provide him with the love and household that he deserves.  A child between two homes is what will become of Coopers life and it is positively earth shattering to me.

I want to provide the most love for Cooper and right now I am succeeding.  Shortly, I will be failing though because little children just cannot understand, nor do they need to know the upsets of the world any sooner than they already will.

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