Sunday, July 7, 2013

A quick + little (sad) note

It's 11:02, just 58 minutes away from Cooper birthday.  I just decorated his door and the hallway with streamers and balloons because I know that while he won't understand that it is his birthday, he will be excited to see all of the decorations and really, I just want him to be excited.

I'm working on his birthday video, but had to take a break because I couldn't see through the tears.  I'm having a really hard time.

I think it's less that he's turning one, after all, it's only one day older than he is today, and more that his father couldn't care less about him.  I'm decorating and celebrating his life alone and it hurts.  We have friends and family who will be celebrating too, but tonight I decorated alone and tomorrow morning it will just be me that greets him with a big "Happy Birthday!".

After six days of Frank not checking in on Cooper with his usual text "how is coop?" he texted tonight, Coopers birthday-eve, and said "got your child support order."  He didn't ask about Cooper.  It's like he doesn't even acknowledge his existence.  I can't wrap my head around it.  Cooper has no idea, but I do.  I know that one day this will matter.  Cooper will ask. He will know.

Exactly one year ago right now I was in the hospital waiting for contractions to start or for the doctor to give me the okay to walk the halls.  Frank and my family were with me.  We were all so happy and excited.  Right now I am laying in bed in the same exact spot that I was in exactly one year and two hours ago when my water broke and I felt that "my life will never be the same" feeling.  The difference a year makes.  Wednesday marks seven months since Frank left.  I have accepted and moved on from the fact that our relationship did not work out but never in a million years did I think he would abandon our son.

I will be happy tomorrow, tonight I am heartbroken though.  My baby is almost one.

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