Thursday, August 15, 2013

A hardened heart


I'm trying to keep my heart from hardening.

It will always be the softest for my little love, but towards everything and everyone else?  I am angry.  I can feel my faith slipping and my heart turning to stone.  I feel hatred.

I am angry at our unjust court system.  I am angry that this is happening to us.  I am angry that Cooper is about to experience something very traumatic and I can do absolutely nothing to stop it.  I am angry that I feel like no one understands, even though more people than I can imagine do.  I am angry that there are no right words for people to say to me.  I am angry that I always respond with "It's okay" when it is definitely not okay.  I am angry that I have worked my self to the point of pure exhaustion these past eight months to keep my baby clothed, fed, and in his home and now his father can just jaunt right in and take my baby from me.  I am angry that I am so angry because all I want is peace.

I want peace in this cruel situation.  I have prayed and prayed for peace.  I was told there is not a single thing I can do to prevent what is about to happen.  I just want to accept it and know that The Lord is going to protect my Cooper and his fragile heart.  I don't feel like that is going to happen though.  I see people being hurt each and every day who are innocent.  God allows bad things to happen to good people.  I am so sure that Cooper is going to get hurt.  I want to jump in front of the moving train and save my baby's life.

I keep thinking that I need to order my text books, I need to start on my first homework assignments, I need to catch up on my Etsy orders, I still need to pay my utility bill, I need to plan my best friends sprinkle shower, I need to write Coopers 13 month post, I need to finish his birthday party post, and that I need to sleep.  I am so worn down.  I really need sleep.

I can't protect my son.  The one thing that I am supposed to do, I can't do.  I am so furious.

7 comments:

  1. I really have no words. But just know that I am going to be praying for your family and that you are in my thoughts. I wanted to post a prayer here but I will also be praying for your family.

    Dear God,
    There is so much hurt and anger in this situation. Sometimes we don't understand why things happen. Sometimes we don't want people to tell us that things are going to be okay. we don't want to have verses shoved down our throats. We don't want to have a pat on the back. We want to be angry and we want to bitter but that will eat at us and so we have to let your peace come in and grab us and wrap us up in its embrace. I pray for peace God and comfort in this situation. You are allowing this to happen and we don't understand why but you are allowing it to happen. Bring friends and a support system for this family of 2. God this family needs you so desperately right now I just pray that you would provide where they are need it the most.

    Blessings!

    Jessica

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  2. Thinking of you so much and praying for you to find some peace. I dont know how you do it all, i cant even imagine the burden you feel. You are such an awesome mama to him. Keep fighting! you can move mountains.

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  3. Thinking of you so much and praying for you to find some peace. I dont know how you do it all, i cant even imagine the burden you feel. You are such an awesome mama to him. Keep fighting! you can move mountains.

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  4. Thinking of you so much and praying for you to find some peace. I dont know how you do it all, i cant even imagine the burden you feel. You are such an awesome mama to him. Keep fighting! you can move mountains.

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  5. Thinking of you so much and praying for you to find some peace. I dont know how you do it all, i cant even imagine the burden you feel. You are such an awesome mama to him. Keep fighting! you can move mountains.

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  6. Praying so very hard for you and your Cooper

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  7. So sorry to read what you are going through. One thing to remember you have your blog that you have been documenting what is going on so hope that helps to show how much of a part he has been In your sons life. I came across your blog through blogloven and started to follow you. Keep your chin up and stay strong praying for you.

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