Saturday, September 7, 2013

An Update

i go back and fourth about sharing all of the things that i do share about our current situation.  on one hand i'm thinking "this is so trashy" and then on the other hand "this is my journal, my way of getting my feelings out, and my safe space to whine all i want - reading this is optional".  

there are blessings and hurdles, as always.  i received the hugest blessing on thursday night in the form of a message that said "we don't have to go to court monday!" i was in tears before her sentence was even finished.  i cannot tell you how much i was dreading monday.  i have slowly been coming to the point of acceptance that frank is going to get cooper on his own but i am terrified of just how much time the judge is going to grant him.

after the good news came a few suggestions.  i was advised to talk to frank and try to get him to have dinner with cooper and i to discuss coopers life and simultaneously show him just how attached he is to me and just how afraid he is of people he doesn't know.  i spoke with frank and he said that he needed to make sure meeting up with cooper and i was okay with his fiance and that he would get back to me.  this was on thursday.  it is now saturday night and i still haven't heard back from him.  he hasn't seen cooper in three months, i just gave him the opportunity to, and he did not jump on it.  it speaks volumes.

i learned yesterday that frank was with his now fiance just two months after leaving us and getting family pictures made, which leads me to believe many things that i don't want to let my mind go back to right now.  he proposed to her just four months after leaving us.  every single picture i see of him, he is holding his fiances son.  her son doesn't have a dad, so he has assumed that role.  i wonder if his fiance knows that her son now has a dad at the expense of my son having one?  i'm sad that he spent $3,000 on his fiances engagement ring but didn't even buy cooper a birthday present.  i'm sad that we were a family, that we lived together, went to eat together, celebrated holidays together, and loved each other and he just replaced us in two months time.

i feel more than ever that cooper needs a dad, a father figure, another parent loving him like i do and i can't just give him that.  i have to go through this awful phase of dating (dating when you have a baby isn't fun), getting hurt really badly, and keeping it together all the time, when all i want is my person to already be here.  i know i'm one of millions, but it still sucks.


besides all of that fun stuff, cooper and i are great! we are super busy, eating lots of frozen yogurt, having a couple play-dates a week, transitioning from two naps a day to one :( , and working on learning a lot of new things!

1 comment:

  1. all I am going to say is that I am praying for you. I am so sorry that you are having to go though all of this. <3