Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Desires


I was talking with my best friend today about our babies and how every single thing we do influences their life in one way or another.  We both really felt the weight of our duties come crashing down on our shoulders which sent my mind spinning like most things do.  I need to be a better person, I want Cooper to be a really great person.

I was called crazy tonight.  Crazy in a mean way.  I had expressed my feelings through text messages and then called crazy for them.  A few months ago I would have fired back quickly and aimlessly, my only goal being to hurt like I had just been hurt.  I used to think that life needed to be fair and that defensiveness was standing up for yourself.  As it turns out, those things aren't true.  I can't pinpoint when or where but being kind and showing kindness have been laid on my heart so heavily that I hardly recognize myself anymore.  My mom used to tell me I was harsh and I used to reply with "you're just sensitive."  I'm starting to see just how harsh I was and that being that way was the easy way.  Right now choosing kindness is taking a lot of effort, but less than it did just last week.  I'm completely confident that it will only get easier as time passes.  I'm finding it particularly amazing that this change has been placed on me during the most difficult time of my life,  God really is something.  I'll save that post for another day, but I'm coming to terms with the changes in Coopers life that are quickly approaching.

As I was just showering I was thinking about my hearts desires and how they have transformed through the years.  I googled some bible verses regarding our hearts desires and really, the answer is living a Godly life.  God will fulfill our hearts desires as he deems fit.  I used to desire a lot of friends, non-stop fun, to be loved even if it wasn't from the right person, and so many other things that are nearly laughable now.  I know that as we age and mature our hearts desires do change so I want to jot down what mine are right in this very minute:

I want to be known as kind.
I want to raise a son who knows love, acts with love on his heart, and is respectful of all people.
I want to find a man who is going to love me fiercely and love Cooper even more than that.
I want to crave the bible, church, and all things Godly.
I want to be educated, brave, and confident.
(I'll add to this list as my brain begins functioning normally again, oof)

I thought I knew what I was doing when I put trust where it probably shouldn't have been placed.  I have a tendency to do that, see the good in people and assume that they won't hurt me.  I'm going to chalk this one up to a lesson learned and try to keep the funk that's already setting in at bay, there is work to be done, the extra tiredness needs to kick rocks.

Here's to a really great week because I could really use one!

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