Tuesday, October 15, 2013

that time i didn't die


having to leave cooper for the first time when he was six months old to go to school was really hard.  leading up to it, i didn't think we were going to survive.  i thought he would surely scream for the whole four hours i was gone and i would have to drop out of school and never leave his side again.  fortunately he only had a couple of hard days (that didn't involve four straight hours of crying) and he and my mom formed a great relationship.

you guys know the story.  coopers father has been mostly (almost completely) absent from his life since january when he left when cooper was just newly five months old.  i was going to fight like hell to make sure he wasn't in coopers life when he served me papers in august because he was the not living his life like he needed to be and i got that "we're going to die" feeling again.  day in and day out i had panic attacks over having to leave cooper with him because while i had the fight in me, i had gotten a big reality check of "fathers get their kids no matter how much they suck so you just need to pray and deal and pray some more"and i knew it was going to happen.  and then....  

a beautiful thing happened.  i decided to let all grudges go.  i gave him two options: you can either sign your rights over or you can stop being less than half-ass and be a damn good dad.  he said he wasn't signing his rights over so i started pumping him full of "you can do this" juice.  i had to let go of all of the (many) terrible things he did while we were together.  i had to put the past nine.five months of him abandoning his son aside and give him a clean slate.  i told him things like "cooper needs you", "you've got this", "i'm praying for you and i have faith in you", "i want you to be the best that you can be for him" and "you ARE a good person." it worked... or it's working so far.

we were able to come up with our own agreement one saturday morning while coopers grandparents took him on a walk.  it didn't come down to trial and a judge dictating our lives.  we have a friendship now.  i real live friendship.  we talk on the phone about things besides cooper and he occasionally has dinner with us.  i was the bigger person and it is paying off like i never could have imagined.

he has had cooper twice now for two hours each time on his own and while i was physically sick over leaving him and cried my eyes out when i had to hand him over, we survived.  we are surviving.  we didn't die.  the first time cooper happily went to him which was a small miracle but the second time he was screaming and would not let go of me.  frank had to take him out of my arms and my heart hurt so badly that i didn't think i would be able to pull out of the driveway. but i did it.  (i hope next weekend is better.)

all of this to say that we can do hard things.  most hard things we have to do aren't fair, but we can do them.  it's not fair that frank chose to leave me and now i don't get to spend all of my time with my baby, but it is what it is and we are doing it.  we can be the bigger person.  we can choose to forgive.  we can even almost forget.  true and genuine friendships with the "enemy" are possible.

this is not how i imagined my life, or coopers life, but i didn't have a say in it.  good things will come out of it though, i am completely confident of that.

4 comments:

  1. that is so great you are working things out. Probably better for you son and I'm sure it feels good to start over. :)

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  2. you. are. a rock star.

    but seriously, keep up the HARD work, mama. you & your baby deserve so much happiness

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  3. This is so great to hear. You two are doing the best thing for Mr. Cooper and I'm so happy to hear that you are happy (and not dead)! I know that so many times parents can't be so cooperative, so it is truly a great thing when they can. GREAT job. =)

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  4. I am pretty new to the blogging world but I just love reading your posts. You seem like such a strong woman and a great mama to your little cutie! Glad to hear things are going well for you. : )

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