Wednesday, July 23, 2014

SHARING


i really don't know if you're "supposed" to blog about these things.  i'm going to though.

sharing your baby is hard. it is sad.  it feels mean.  it feels like someone takes out your heart and stomps on it a few good times, every week.  it means watching the clock a lot.  it means reminding yourself to cherish all the times, ugly or not even more than your ordinarily would.  it means weird rules.  it means worrying, a lot.  it means gritting your teeth a lot.

i am lucky in the sharing department.  i haven't had to do it much, compared to what it could be, but now that he is two i have to let him go a little more :: and overnight :: hold me.  i have been the only one to put my baby to bed in the past two years with a handful or less times being my mom and it at my house.  i know i am not ready for this and i don't think he is either but we have no choice.  the thing about courts is that even though they say they ruling is in the baby's best interest, they don't think about the baby's feelings.  and those are what we need to worry about the most.  what we need to consider the most.

i am hypersensitive to my coopers feelings.  our situation has always felt very delicate.  being left alone with a five month old who i spent every hour of every day with attached me too him so significantly.  he has depended on me, only me, so much for all of his life.  and since i'm being honest, i've depended on him too.  he was my little buddy on all of the lonely nights.  he kept me moving forward.  i'm not sure who i would be without him and i don't want to know.  i was brought into this world to become coopers mother one day, it is as simple as that.  he is what i live for.

while i know a relationship with his father is important and necessary and that they love each other very much -- it is still hard.  there is something about having your sons life contracted out that feels utterly and completely wrong.  i am legally bound to having to hand him over for a whole 24 hours now.  isn't that ridiculous?  a person i don't even know has told me what i have to do with the child i grew in my belly and birthed.  i know divorce, separation, and every-other-weekend (not our arrangement) are socially accepted and commonly heard terms that get thrown around without any emotion attached and so easily but they are a big deal.  this is hard. 

someone told me that i would come to enjoy my (forced) time away from him.  i gave that comment and person the cold shoulder because there is a difference in asking someone to watch your child for 32 hours and being forced to be away from your child for 32 hours.  i always want him.  when gets older and is excited and asking to go to his other house it will certainly be easier but no, i will still not enjoy it.

sharing holidays, birthdays, weekends.  missing firsts.  not being there to kiss new boo-boos.  not rocking him to sleep like i have for all of the nights since he's been born.  those things suck and that's just the start of it.

we do have a rather successful co-parenting relationship which is the blessing of all blessings. 


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